hardest thing thus far I had to do was telling mom that I am moving out:
10:56 p.m. 2008-01-21

Today I told my mom of my plan in the near future to move out which is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. When I told her that this was my plan her posture changed from seating up with straightened back to one where she crunched into a ball as if in order to protect herself. I did notice also her eyes become glazed but no tears flowed down her eyelids onto her cheeks; but as I know that does not mean tears are not present.

She told me that she thought that it was a mistake and that I should establish my career before I move out. This is one of the reasons that I am in fact moving out because suceeding in this endevour will give me the confidence to conquer the next major obstacle whereas if I stay as home I will always feel as if I am less than capable.

I told her it is an experience that would help me grow as a person. She sees it as a painful experience for me, one that I will evitably see as mistake. She sees me as making my life harder whereas I see it as an opportunity to establish myself finally.

She sees the whole event as if I am trying to flee from her while I am merely distancing myself to put myself in a better position to take care of her in the future. If I cannot take care of myself then how can I take care of her in the future? I told her that I am still here and that I would be around to help her. I also told her that she did a great job raising me and that she gave me the skills I needed to survive and that one day I hope she was proud of me.

I feel really bad because it is a hard time right now for her due to a troublesome tenant. It has been made personal as the tenant and her guest has made some very personal insults to her as well as trying to take over the building. For my part I have been working with her so that she can evict them and get more suitable tenants into the place. I have been here through a number of bad tenants which we had to evict for one reason or another but if there is one thing I have learned about being a landlord or an assist which I was that something always comes up so I must make my own plans regardless. There is nothing worse from my standpoint than feeling that I do not have any control and that all I can do is go along with the prevailing wind. I must get up and walk.