quest to find happiness:
9:14 p.m. 2004-05-09

I thought that mother's day was going to be a bad day from the start. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be because there were no shouting matches of any kind.

I gave her a little present with all I could afford which wasn't much and a card. She said thank you for both and said that she is happy to be our mother's and that we are the greatest in response to the card. See seemed to say all that right things but I didn't see her facial experession to see if she was being genuine.

I honestly thought that there would be at least a few arguments because my mom is stressed out as am I and surprisingly she is much of the source of my stress.

She was talking on the phones to friends telling them about all her troubles that I had to suffer through while I was in the room. And when she wasn't complaining to them she would just spontaneous say outloud that I'm so fed up as if putting a voice to her internal thoughts. And when she is not doing this she is talking about the source of her displeasures with us her kids so we cannot get any peace. She happens to think that it is the duty of her children to listen to all her whining like a therapist would I on the other hand disagree whole heartedly. But my opinions do not matter on the estate.

I went out for a walk to get away from her whining to her friends about the issues involving the impending divorce mostly and I couldn't listen to any more so I went for a walk hoping that my negative thoughts would at least be numbered so I would be able to at least attempt to tackle them in an orderly fashion. I did enjoy just hearing the bird chirping without a human voice to be found because the people in my life just make my life much more unpleasent to tell you the truth. And there was the sound of running water that was incredibly calming but however peaceful this place was I could not escape my problems like before.

While on my way to the park there was this bridge that extended over a river and while walking across it I breifly entertained throwing myself off of it in order to excape my suffering but I just continued walking and on my way back I crossed the same bridge with the same options: jump and die or walk and continue living and the scary thing was that when I briefly thought about which option I should choice there was so little to choose between the two options. It was surprising to me how little I had to live for in my life and I walked briskly to crossed the bridge as if I might throw myself off of it in any second. So I have a new task to find a purpose for my life and hopefully through it find happiness.