the company christmas party as played in my mind:
12:07 a.m. 2006-11-06

I am sort of tired and sort of meloncholly at the same time. Playing in my mind is a what if, if I go to the Christmas party my current employer is hosting.

The signario goes as follows, I buy a few tickets for a few different raffles and I win twice I go up to the stage for the second time when they call my number and I decline the second prize because I am a nice guy.

Before I leave the stage I make the joke that I will trade prize number 1 and 2 for what is behind door number 3 walk up to this girl who I have pineing for about a year, who is at the front of the stage, and sling her over my shoulder and tell the prize announcer that she is the prize that I wanted and carry her down the aisle to the front stairs of the building and ask her if she would like me to set her down or carry her to her car so that she can blow me and she asks me to set her down on the steps and I do.

I sit on the front steps of the building and she asks me if I will be ok here and I say I will be fine and she reenters the building. Shortly after she leaves I break down crying because I cannot handle that she does not like me and I leave the property determined not to catch anyone in my current emotional state.

Well someone from management asks my dream girl where I am now and she replies that she is not sure that I am no longer on the steps and that I seemed depressed.

I go for a walk in a park or green area not so far by and I guess I have been gone for too long and so the company sends someone to look for me and they find me and talk with me for a little while and tell me to get in the car and drive me back to the party despite how I think it will look that they had to send someone to bring me back there.

After the party the same person brings me back home and makes sure I enter my house and after they leave I spend the rest of the day watching movies and pigging out on salty snacks.

The whole signario is unlikely because if I go and it is hardly a given I would be really lucky to win a raffle once let alone twice which is highly improbable. The lack of a second raffle win negates that rest of the signario from happening as followed.

The signario is like a cautionary tale for me not to put women in difficult situations where it is likely they will have to reject my advances and by proxy me. However this is the problem with me in part that I am too cautious that I don't take enough chances. In the end I am just as confused as before not knowing what to do if a situation arrises whether I should take the chance or be cautious and not do anything.